Monthly Archives: April 2015

Strange Candy

When I was a kid, I thought about candy every day. If I found a dime in the street or collected a few empty pop bottles, I’d head to Johnny’s and peruse the merchandise. I knew what I liked. A crispy crunch bar. A small paper bag of mixed up penny candy. An orange crush soda, or a bag of chips. When you’re a kid, candy is your soul mate. Which is why I’m puzzled by some of those childhood choices.

Like, wax lips.  Made from actual wax with some kind of gross liquid inside. Probably the kind of dye that steals your fertility or gives you cancer. But anyway. Once you’d punctured the lips and drank the miniscule amount of mystery juice, all that was left was to chew the lips. Or put them on top of your own. Which I always did. And then chewed the wax and spit it out, because you couldn’t actually eat it.

Lickimade. I’m not sure if this is the right spelling, but it was basically kool aid in a small envelope that you slit open and ate. Dry powder with fake flavor and sugar. I hope it was cheap, and only cost a penny. I hate to think I spent a dime on it.

Macintosh Toffee, uncut, in the box. I’m fairly sure it was meant for baking, but every now and then I’d buy some. With the first bite, my jaw would lock and it would take me about four hours to finish.

Pink elephant popcorn. Not the real name, but I remember a white box with pink popcorn that tasted a thousand years old. It belonged in an Egyptian tomb, scattered around the remains of a pharaoh.

Candy necklaces. Small, hard rings of candy, fake tasting and strung together on a piece of elastic. You could wear it, or you could eat it. But you couldn’t do both. Because it got sticky and then it felt terrible on your neck.

Why the bad candy choices? I don’t know. I like to think that somebody else bought them and I just partook. There’s more strange candy on the list…things I’ve forgotten about. So please. Add your own. Take a walk down candy lane and ask yourself the following question. “What the hell was I thinking?”

Easy Rider

This is not an homage to the movie, which I refer to as the poor man’s Breaking Bad. I know about the great reviews and still don’t care. Since I’ve grown up, it just makes me recoil. I’m not sure if its the misogyny or the bad acting. But the soundtrack? One of the best ever made.

There is a time and a place for everything. The time for the song, Born to be Wild, is during a car dance. What is that, you might be wondering. Please, let me tell you. When you live in the far north, as I do, road trips take forever. Hours of long, barren highway leave one with nothing to do but listen and dream. So. Select the music of your choice, and begin moving the muscles in your bum as well as your actual shoulders. Its a matter of multi tasking, really. You still have two hands on the wheel and a foot ready for the brake, but everything else is keeping time with the beat.

Do this alone. For some reason, its off putting to passengers. Ever since I dropped a pistachio while driving, I have to sit like the sphinx when I’m with Clarence and behind the wheel. Also, its just too embarrassing. Because what’s the point if you don’t get into it? Singing along is optional, but after a few minutes of movement, you won’t be able to resist.

Besides helping pass the time and avoiding numb bum, something really wonderful happens during a good car dance. All the forces of the universe come together and make me feel as if I’ve just:
a: won the lottery
b: found a cure for cancer
c. am discovered by Simon Cowell, who can’t stop raving about my wonderful voice.

It can be anything really. And the benefits are many. A good car dance has the same effect on me as meditation, yoga, or running. (Not that I over indulge in any of those.) I get a mind/body high that tells me anything is possible. There is one perfect, synchronized moment when I am born to be wild. I am free. I’m an easy rider. I can do anything I set my mind to. Anything! Which is a wonderful way to feel on an eight hour road trip.

To recap, here are the other benefits.

1. Pass the time. (it flies by!)
2. Save your butt (avoid sciatic nerve damage!)
3. Rev your creative engine. (write that novel! compose that song! knit! (but not in the car))
4. Find happiness. (yes, its this easy.)

Please enjoy your next long distance car ride by employing my suggested technique. And you’re very welcome.