Once upon the new millennium, a guy looked at a photo of Sigmund Freud and said to himself, my facial hair envy is out of control. I must have that beard. I’ll shag it up, grow it longer, and throw testosterone around like a final sale at Sears. In an alternate scenario, the same man saw some Amish people driving their buggies into town and was taken aback by the manly ruggedness of it all. Overwhelmed by the desire to join a cult, instead he decided to skip the buggy, the plain clothes and pants that button instead of zip, and grow himself some long, shaggy facial hair. Third option: Tom Hanks in the movie, Cast Away. There it is. The winning look. A magical combination of irony and soul baring honesty. Bingo.

These are the only scenarios I can come up with that will explain the strange phenomena of the hipster beard. I had my first sighting of it in 2012 at my niece Heather’s wedding. The fellow was visiting from New Zealand, and my first thought was that he was an actor from the Lord of the Rings movies. His beard had to be at least eighteen inches in length, and fluffy in an eerie and disturbing way. I expected birds to fly out from hidden nests, or a swarm of wasps to descend, the lights to go out and strange maniacal laughter to issue from his lips.This man had a very pretty wife with him. I kept staring at her, wishing I could take her aside. ‘I can help you escape,’ I wanted to say.

I’ve read several explanations for the rise of the hipster beard. One theory is that men want to downplay their attractiveness and up their masculine quotient in a bid to find a mate. Others suggest that if a man dresses too well, the beard is his way of saying, I know. I’m awesome, but in case it’s too much, here’s this beard. You’re welcome.

I like beards. My husband has one, and though I wish it was a little less scruffy, it could never be considered hipster. Combined with his Crocs and oversized wardrobe, his style says, ‘Not homeless, just admiring the look.’ It’s an unironic thing.

Ladies, let me know what you think. Perhaps younger women are on board with hipster beards. Maybe its just me. Perhaps snuggling up to eighteen inches of facial hair is a real turn on. I’d like to know for sure. And men with hipster beards, please weigh in on this. I have a feeling there’s more to it than meets the eye. And no. I’m not talking about the birds.

A few weeks ago we harvested our generous tomato crop, set the produce inside the house and left town. Upon our return, a problem emerged in a very literal way. As I stepped into the upstairs bathroom, a cloud of fruit flies mistook me for a rotten banana and swarmed like a death cloud. “Fruit flies in the bathroom!” I gasped to my husband.

‘Uh huh,’ he said, not looking up from his magazine.

“Seriously, we’re being overrun. They must have come in with the tomatoes.”

Not drawing a smidgen of interest, I asked myself several questions. Why the bathroom? Why not the dining room, or even the kitchen? I hadn’t left any fruit out, the garbage had been emptied. There was truly only the tomatoes to feast on. Yet the flies clung to the bathroom like those creepy, haunting children in horror movies. Not that I’ve seen them. I’m way too chicken for that.

First, I tried to lure them with a cheap solution: apple cider vinegar. A few flies went for it, but most just danced around my head. Obviously a bigger sacrifice was required. Opening a bottle of red wine, I poured several glassfuls and placed them strategically around the bathroom. Over the next few days, the flies began to drown themselves. The trick was to not reward them with wine streaking the sides of the glass. They had to swoop down so the intoxicating smell could lure them to their deaths.

Every time I do something like this, I find myself thinking, dear God, don’t let reincarnation be true. Because then, I’m a serial killer. I find myself whispering, ‘Grandpa, is that you?’ when I see a fruit fly trying to swim for it. That’s the problem with being a writer. No scenario is too implausible. I have mixed feelings about killing bugs, anyway, except for mosquitoes. When carrying a spider out of the house I’d say to my kids, ‘When they take over the world, they’ll remember their friends.’ (Note to self: a crying four year old does not understand this kind of joking.)

Anyway, back to the mercenary task at hand. We were so overrun, it took a whole bottle of wine to do the job. When there are too many dead floaters, the other fruit flies catch on, so you have to keep refreshing their drink. I tried placing the glasses in certain spots, but kept them away from the toilet for reasons stated in a previous blog; I don’t like interruptions to my mini-vacation and reading time.

It’s important to use a drinking glass instead of a wine bottle, because people have been known to accept the open bottle invitation and take a swig. On the other hand, it’s another way of letting your partner know that fruit flies are a problem.

In our mid-twenties, my husband suggested we quit our teaching jobs to travel through Asia from Turkey to Nepal. The Encounter Overland company would supply the tents, food, converted army truck, and eighteen more people from all over the world. I pictured myself on this exciting new adventure, tanned and fit in my new hiking books and British army wool sweater.

I got the boots, the tan and the sweater, but while lying in a tent somewhere in India with a rampant case of dysentery, I truly began to understand myself. I hate being uncomfortable. It wasn’t the cold, or the rats (which came later in the Himalayas) or the camping. It was the unexpected twists in our journey that kept taking me by surprise. I’m someone who enjoys a well ordered, nine to five kind of life. But every other person on the trip was exactly like Clarence. ‘Bring it on!’ was their attitude, though we all did our fair share of whining. How many times did we push that army truck out of the sand, ditch, field, etc? I truly don’t want to know.

As I lay feverish in the tent, wearing my tenth and last pair of underwear, I realized that I was a fraud. I was there simply because I married a very adventurous person. The kind of guy that rests on the ground under a tree in the Canadian bush, closes his eyes and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, I apply bug spray and sunblock, find a mat and cushion, have a good book to read and plenty of snacks on hand while being on constant alert for bears.
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But here’s what I gained from our Asian journey:

*Seeing the stars in that same field in India, so thick that the black velvet sky could barely peek through.

*Kissing my husband in front of the Taj Mahal at sunrise.

*Rowing on the Ganges river while Hindu people in colourful clothing scattered the ashes of their loved ones.

*Seeing the Bamyan Buddhas before they were blown up by the Taliban, then taking a horse and carriage ride through the valley where Alexander the Great once traveled.

*Watching Clarence perform the chicken dance when trying to procure dinner at various shops. Every now and then we’d get some kind of meat, but first there was plenty of laughter from the shop owners.

* Being banished to the back of the truck when leaving Kabul because of a stomach ailment we called ‘The Egg burps,’ a truly foul type of belching that affected myself, Bill, and a few others. This was before the dysentery and should have clued me in about eating street meat.

*Seeing the Golden Temple in Amritsar. Floating around misty Srinagar Dal Lake in Kashmir on a small boat.

*Hearing someone mention Paul Bergman of Flin Flon, while sitting on the floor of a restaurant in Kathmandu.

*Hiking to the base camp of Mount Everest and staying in the simple huts of the Nepalese people. My best tip? Never sleep in the kitchen, because like I said before, rats. Although I’ve heard they have hotels there now, which kind of breaks my heart.

*Watching the sun set on the Gulf of Thailand like a giant orange ball after recovering from sun stroke that was so bad, I couldn’t walk. All I can say is, don’t fall asleep on the beach in the middle of the afternoon.

*Hiking the golden triangle of Thailand, Laos and Burma and seeing a sign that said, ‘Please watch out for the murder maybe.’

*Experiencing Asia at a time when it was still relatively safe to do so. Following on our heels was the Iranian revolution, the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, conflict in Kashmir, and political instability everywhere else.

*A respect for people like Clarence, whose ongoing curiosity about the world and its citizens keeps them traveling to distant shores and making friends around the world. I pretended to be one for eight months and experienced an awesome adventure I will never forget.

*Meeting strangers who became dear friends. Going through crazy, sometimes dangerous circumstances, and still laughing about it when we’re together. I salute you, my intrepid adventurers. I know you’re having a wonderful time at the reunion in Brighton, England. For some reason, I picture you all in 1920’s bathing suits, cavorting, drinking wine and probably doing the Charleston. May God bless you all. And please live through the reunion so you can tell me all about it.

Culture Days, an end of September cross Canada celebration, is a wild weekend party and an endurance test that I have failed. I’m down with the flu, but Crystal Kolt has to be feeling even tougher. She spends the whole weekend running through the streets of Flin Flon shouting, ‘You’ve got culture! You’ve got culture! You’ve got…. Well. You get the idea. She’s like Oprah with the car giveaway, only she does this with five thousand people plus. I can’t list all the events because there was 120 of them, but every year she manages to persuade people to host yet another one. Be a mime! Wear a costume and parade down Main Street while telling stories! The only person who can match her energy is her husband Mark, who travels from venue to venue, toting his piano and sound equipment, his jaw set like a hero in an action movie.

I spent Friday morning at Culture’s Kool for Kids. And the kids really do think it’s cool. After recovering, I went to the Hooter at 5 for for some live entertainment. I haven’t been there since my twenties so I had a gin and tonic with sister Linda, to celebrate. We sat in front of a big wooden bench with an owl on it, carved by local musician and artist, Wayne Deans. There were a number of talented performers, and my youngest sang a couple songs while I tried not to pee my pants out of sheer nervousness. She sold it. (Insert motherly pride here.)

I never miss the Talking Books event at our local library. Basically, the librarian clears the counter with one arm and starts loading on the wine and cheese with the other. Like every other year, the speakers tucked in various corners of the library were fascinating. Pat Bruderer carries on the ancient tradition of Birch bark biting with pieces so lovely and thin, you can see through them. When I asked if she could bite the bark and watch TV  at the same time, she said no. Then she paused. ‘Yeah. I probably could. The design work happens inside your brain.’ By this point my friend Kate was pulling me away while mumbling things like, ‘She can’t help it.’

Our new dentist, Tarun Babiani, sings and dances, sometimes combining the two to the delight of his patients, and is one of the loveliest people to ever move to this northern town. He’s from Dubai, but he likes the cold. Yes, it’s true. Long time Flin Flonner Randy Whitbread is a fantastic photographer whose Northern Lights series makes you feel like God took the picture.  Kristy Janvier has traveled the world as a Disney princess and a dancer. There were other speakers, and everyone had a large audience of cheese and cracker munching listeners.

I missed the three drummers jamming at the Rotary Wheel and a ton of other events on Friday.  But I could feel a tickle at the back of my throat and wanted to pace myself. Ha! Saturday morning started with all kinds of events at the Rotary Wheel, first with a blessing, some hoop dancing, Aboriginal crafts for kids, and an appearance by our Community choir. We sang the Beach Boys ‘Good Vibrations’ while Crystal urged others to conduct us. I couldn’t see so I made a lot of mistakes in spite of our local optometrist and fellow singer holding my book for me.

Have you noticed a theme here, people? It’s hard to move to Flin Flon and not join the choir, or Ham Sandwich, or any artistic and sometimes athletic endeavors that flourish in this town. I like to approach new people like a spy seeking new contacts.

“Can you sing? ‘
‘A little,’ the newcomer replies, looking puzzled. Slightly fearful.
Okay, you’re in.’ Unfortunately, some people now run in the other direction when they see me coming.

A singing group called Borealis put on an event at a church which featured a children’s choir. The kid’s sound was tight and their expressions hilarious. But Borealis blew me away. As I drove home, I had a dream. (The kind where your eyes are open because, you know– you’re driving.)

I dreamt that Borealis was going to follow me home, live in my house, and interpret my every mood with a song. I can just see them huddled in the upstairs hallway, all twenty-five of them holding whispered conversations.

Tim: ‘Is she feeling nostalgic?’ (Wearing his most interesting and enthusiastic expression. Everyone in choir knows what I mean.)
Penny: I think that’s her pissed off face. Let’s sooth her with that song about the woods.
Angela: I know she really appreciates the sopranos, (I do!) so let’s sing something high.’
Susan: Oh, for heaven’s sake. We’re not living at your house!’ (She’s my sister, so she gets to be a little testy.)
I would love having Borealis on call at all times. I can picture its members reading this, hastily packing their bags and leaving town.

The Wild Things outdoor market at Creekside park was a hit. The day was beautiful, the trees glorious shades of orange and yellow. I spent way too much money buying art, pottery and several food items. I could take out Andre the Giant with my pail of honey. My daughter Mari and her friend, Andi, had a vintage clothing tent where they sold things like old trunks (from our messy garage! Yaaay!) and 70’s disco dresses. They worked like dogs before the show but it was worth it.

Saturday afternoon, I went to Raphael’s zany play, Waiting for Trudeau. I felt like I’d dropped acid and then fallen down a rabbit hole, which may account for all the giggling. For anyone who remembers the seventies, it was reminiscent of Firesign Theater.

I worked behind the bar at Wild Rice Night. Here’s the thing about all 24 entertainers and the musicians. They were racing through the Culture Days weekend like their hair was on fire. Most of them had more than one gig and by Sunday, were lurching around like zombies. We take our artists for granted. It’s because they never let us down.

I saw many of them at the heart of our Culture Day’s weekend, the Dance Down Main Street. Kristy Janvier taught us the moves to Buffy Sainte-Marie and Tanya Tagac’s latest tune, You Got to Run. We followed  the children and the Flin Flon Bomber’s down the street, and I have to give those boys credit for their moves. I was directly behind them and they kept me on track. By the time the dance ended, I was done in.

Sadly, I missed the Tiff movie, Maudie, which everyone’s been raving about, and Mark’s playing at Norva with Tarun singing and Kristy Janvier performing interpretive dance. I was already feeling feverish, but I have no regrets. Culture Days is an experience not to be missed. I’m going to steal some photos from my friend Noelle, a  fantastic photographer, and post them here. Please share your best memories of the weekend, friends. And here’s the song.