In our family, the one most likely to brag about his clothes is my husband. Never mind that our youngest daughter took fashion design. He is a man of serious fashion conviction.
So one day last week, my daughter was reading her book and I was working on my novel, when Clarence sat bolt upright and called for everyone’s attention. His tone was urgent, and I became mildly alarmed. Mildly, because…well. We’ve been together a while.
My husband had just read a fashion article that begged sharing. He was resting on the sofa, his retirement beard rivaling the Una bomber’s, Hawaiian shirt half unbuttoned, and his relaxed fit, twelve pocket, khaki shorts sporting a hole in one leg, when he proceeded to share Jessica Alba’s fashion tips for success.
Excitedly, (because, for mind boggling reasons, he finds this stuff interesting) he read the following list aloud.
#1. Sometimes, a statement coat is all you need. Michelle’s eyes met mine. We both thought about the ancient postal worker’s parka he’d bought at a Thrift Store, saying, “It’s so warm! And rare!”
#2. A little leopard print never hurt anyone. Really? At my age, it might be mistaken for cougar print.
#3. Bare a little skin but wear your hemline low. Yeah, I’m not baring anything but my feet. Maybe in summer, my lower legs. And a calf length hemline makes me look like a cult member from Texas.
#4. A hat helps everything. Well, not me or my brother. We tend to look like we have double digit IQ’s and deliver flyers for a living. I wear one gardening because I burn easy, but that’s pretty much it.
#5. Traveling is no excuse not to look stylish. Yeah? Try a fourteen hour car trip from Calgary to Winnipeg. My idea of stylish is bringing a bib ,so if I spill my smoothie, I don’t have to change my clothes and end up with no underwear like that other time. You know which one.
Thank you, Jessica Alba. In a perfect world, with thousands of dollars to spend and with a completely different body, these tips would change my life. Except for the fact that I don’t care. I want to, kind of. But not really. On the other hand, father may not know best about fashion, but he certainly knows how to make me laugh. I have to thank Jessica for that, too.