One Cake Over the Line, Sweet Jesus

Most days I do pretty well managing my wheat free, low sugar diet. I hate suffering through the hives, aching muscles, nausea and brain fog that accompany foods that don’t like me. It’s not just wheat. Gluten free crackers, cookies, and basically anything fun and well sugared also makes my body sad. Especially if I have more than one serving. Which, of course I do.

We had some delicious all natural chocolate truffles last night, along with chocolate chip, gluten free cookies. My body is busy slapping me upside the head today. Not that my brain will notice. It’s too busy wondering what the hell is happening and where I’m supposed to be and…what?

This has left me wondering about the following. How on earth do people smoke crack? Don’t these people have back aches the next day? Don’t they wonder if waking up in a Hell’s Angel’s clubhouse is worth it? Do addictions even allow us to ask any of the right questions, or do we have to follow blindly until we’re so sick that we can’t possibly shovel in another bite, or lift the pipe to our lips (if that’s what you use to smoke crack. I’m just guessing, here) or, if it’s internet porn, then…well.

The apostle Paul says in one of his letters,  “I can’t seem to do what I want to do. I keep doing things I don’t want to do!’ I know, Paul. I’m feeling your pain right now. Literally, I’m feeling your pain. We are all drawn to the dark side from time to time, whether it be food, drugs, video games or just fill in the blank.

The power of not being able to have, eat, or do something instantly makes the thing immensely attractive. Hanging out with people who are very strong willed helps, but my three year old granddaughter can only do so much for me. She can’t have wheat, either, but so far she seems to be okay with it. She’s too busy lobbying her parents for a pony.

We are all tempted by things that aren’t good for us. Perhaps if we were followed around by people holding ‘I Told You So’ signs, we’d at least put a little effort into some kind of resistance. What helps occasionally is when I think about all the times in the past when I was wrong.  It goes something like this.

Dear Mr. Sims, (my high school biology teacher, unfortunately passed away) you were right about tequila. Just say no. Well, you’d be glad to know I do that. Mostly.

Dear Dad, You were right about some teenage boys. Let’s just leave it there.

Dear friends who bug me to join yoga: The stiffness in my joints and back is seconding your argument. My resistance, along with my whole body, is weakening. Though I may be too weak to join. We’ll see.

Dear Donald Trump: Ha ha. Just kidding.

You need a multifaceted plan for resisting temptation. Like a team of supporters, or even shamers. Whatever it takes to get you through. Keeping all the forbidden fruit out of the house is usually a good idea. It would help me considerably if there were no birthday parties, no Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, or Halloween. OMG. I’ve just realized I may have to change religions.The United Church is just too celebratory for my delicate constitution.

But onward and upward. I’m back on the food wagon, as of today, and feeling more convicted than ever. And for those of you who also let yourselves down, please feel free to join my pity party. Just don’t expect any cake.

I’ll celebrate the moment, instead, with this iconic, sadly unironic, moment from the Lawrence Welk Show. Thank you, John Scott, for this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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