How Canadians Dress for the Apocalypse

I enjoy all kinds of dystopian fiction. Alien invasions, futuristic thrillers…any movie or series where things aren’t looking too good. Because no matter how messed up our world is, we’re not there yet and hopefully never will be. The thing I don’t like about shows like Mad Max-Fury Road, the Walking Dead, or Water World, is those ridiculous leather outfits some characters wear.

Why are people dressing so uncomfortably when the world has gone to hell in a handbasket? It’s obvious that the future is overheated. All the characters are either stewing in their own sweat or searching for water. The land is cracked, and rivers and lakes are nonexistent. So why does the Bad Guy need four layers of leather sewn into a cascading cape? What’s with the women in tight leather pants, vests and knee-high boots? It’s at least 35C (95 to you Fahrenheit people.) Maybe hotter. After all, it’s the Apocalypse. You’re not supposed to be comfortable. 

But I don’t think Canadians would wear those outfits when the world is falling apart.  Any Canuck with two brain cells would scavenge for the warmest jackets. Perhaps a Helly Hansen or a NorthFace parka. (Not promoting…just going for quality.)

And for footwear, we are not going to wear knee-high leather boots. How could we escape the cannibals or zombies? We need high-quality sneakers or hikers and a decent -30 rated boot with a good sole for winter. I can run like a maniac in my sheepskin Uggs. The first thing I did when I bought a pair was run like hell. You should have seen the salesperson’s face.

My biggest pet peeve? The masks. Leather (of course) covers a guy’s entire face except for the eyeholes. Searingly hot in summer, the wearers would have a constant rash. A better option is a cozy scarf for a cold winter’s run through darkened streets. Of course if you’re being chased, you’d be better off with an infinity scarf. No dangling ends. And for the Love of God, wear some mittens. They can be leather on the outside, but they have to be lined. 

I have never cared much for fashion. But nobody should worry about it when the world is a dust bowl and strange creatures roam the land. Let the Parisians get eaten by the scavengers as they try to run away in their heeled boots. Let macho guys roast their nether regions with their tight leather pants. And let us Canadians make our way comfortably and sensibly through the frozen, barren terrain as we attempt to outrun a pack of polar bears. Oh Canada, my money’s on us.

Published by Judith Pettersen

Judith Pettersen is an author living in Canada. She blogs about her life in the north and the ups and downs of being a writer.

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